Hello, I am Exiom.
[What you are about to read will not cause you any physical harm, but could elevate preexisting levels of emotional discomfort so severely that you might find yourself in a dark place. This post is not intended for anyone who has prior issues dealing with psychological issues brought on from childhood trauma, lack of affection or who had just recently lost in PvP. If you have ever whispered, "what did I just read" or "there goes 5 minutes of my life that I will ever get back", I encourage you to continue reading.]
Who is Exiom---
My name is Cole and I am eccentric when I'm speaking or typing. I can control my body, don't you worry about that. I'm in my 20s and I'm a male, don't let my female characters fool you.. I only do that to trick lonely people into giving me gold or items. Don't judge, I do them a favor because I always tell them I really have a peen at the end. That'll teach them.
I am married, when I'm not at my computer. She's very understanding and consents to most of my behavior when I ask her quietly while she's sleeping. We have a very energetic and spontaneous marriage, often when we pull pranks on each other (so far I'm winning, I just had her arrested for shoplifting). I didn't think it through and didn't get to keep my PS3, but the look on her face was priceless. She doesn't care too much for video games so if you're in my guild or on vent with me you will probably hear me getting slapped in the face with a piece of raw steak or she'll walk up and stick her panties in my mouth when I'm trying to talk during a boss. She's so sweet. Before you ask, yes she does spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Before the ladies get upset.. NO.. I don't force her to cook for me, I actually enjoy cooking and cook most of the time. I just make her do the dishes. I can use so many dishes.. so much soap. I wonder how much money I spend on soap. I like the soap that smells like melons. I like melons.
I am a very.. different person. I lack the ability to know who I really am and I've never been able to be one of those people who are cookie cutter and conform to whatever it is we're supposed to behave like. I have no routines and my attitude and opinion of you can change every minute. I'm pretty paranoid and judgmental of everyone and I will no doubt psychoanalyze you within the first 30 seconds of our meeting and never let you live down your shortcomings. I'm not narcissistic but I am very conceited. I may come off as someone who plays on stereotypes but that is because they exist for a reason, and if you ever get involved in the topic with me, it's because you are proving my point. I do not believe in racism, only sensitive people. I have loved ones and friends from all over the world.. but you will probably not ever live up to the expectations they caused me to have for your country or nation.
I have 2 pets. One is a perfectly preserved skeleton from some small animal I found when I was about 16 called Lucy (with bones you get the benefit of picking the gender...) and the other is a small siamese kitten called Ash, who has a better personality than most of the people I meet. He's a great listener and doesn't talk much, but we conspire against my wife often. He also attacks on command and hates barbies. (So do I) He's extremely eccentric like me, and sometimes when I just have a bad day and want to pet him he won't sit still, but I still have Lucy. She's not as comfortable to pet anymore but she used to be before the rest of the fur fell off. I tried gluing it back on but.. well you know how it is.
Lucy's only complaint is that she has to share the desk with Trixy but if I keep them separated everyone gets along. Before you ask who Trixy is she has nothing to do with you and will remain a secret.
Some people may find it hard to get along with me, especially other males because apparently I have horrible alpha-like behavior but I actually like friends and am capable of maintaining a vast number of them effectively. Women flock to me for some reason, which normally causes drama but rest assured I have no intentions of stealing your e-loves. I'm a firm believer that we can all share. When I'm done playing with something, I have an immaculate record for cleaning it up and placing it back on the shelf when I'm done. This not only maintains effective shelf life, but also allows you to re-play with it over and over again when the need arises. Except barbies, those are just stupid and should be blown up with m80s or melted in the microwave. (Don't go and melt a barbie in the microwave, it smells horrible and is hard to clean up.)
Things Exiom Likes:
I like textures. If you've ever rolled on E you'll know what I mean, I just don't need the E.
I like to cause mishaps by tying strings to things when people open them, move them, etc...
Macabre. I love it. Anything dead, scary, gross or halloweenish. Sexy.
Girls with no morals but are intelligent.
Your brain. I will dissect it, metaphorically. You will be my puppet, whether you like it or not.
Stalkers. Because of my ego.
Things Exiom Dislikes:
Opinions that I didn't ask for, but make sense.
Crocs shoes. Seriously?
Feminine products left visible.
Balloon animals. Its not a cute doggie its a twisted up balloon.
Trolls. (Not the ones who live under the bridge, yellow canaries are entertaining.)
Materialism and not having enough stuff.
Stupid sharp rocks that you step on.
Fishermen with boats.
Jealous ex-boyfriends. Why do you hate her for moving on to bigger and better?
Hospitals. Nurses. Doctors. Needles. That ugly [filtered] blue/green color. The smell.
Any frozen food that has breading on it. Effing disgusting. If you eat a hot-pocket around me it's going in the other opening.
Boxing trainers who want to live vicariously through you.
I'm running out of the will to continue typing, so I will stop here. I might add some later, just to make your life a little bit better. That's the kind-natured person in me trying to get out, but the stomach acid will take care of it.
I look forward to knowing each and every one of you. I must. You WILL reply to my post and tell me all about you. I want to know everything about you, except personal information like address and stuff.. who do you think you are?
I am fascinated by the human mind, and am eager to analyze your inability to interpret what you feel as you put it in words. Don't be shy, tell Exiom all about it.